I want to share an explanation to my active followers as to where I've been. I discussed this before in August 2024 in a long-winded manner and have since deleted such; here should provide a better explanation. Plainly speaking: I've always had OCD, hoarding tendencies, and often had an all-or-nothing mindset towards everything, which has only exacerbated my indulgences when attempting to "quit"—perfectionism. 

I reckon it'd stem from adolescent social dysfunction and being frequently compared to others nowadays, namely for still attempting freelance and not pursuing higher education. Compared to people who work 60 hours and/or work for Google/Facebook, attend school, have a love life, and own a house.

That and I work part-time/full-time hours and try to have a social life, (that I've considered omitting partially/entirely for lack of time). Both aren't without issue.

In detail, my OCD (or otherwise) spans towards:

• digital hoarding

• memory hoarding

• obsessive decluttering

• over-organization

• orthorexic tendencies

• compulsive counting

• anger outbursts

• procrastination

I've always tried for a minimalist lifestyle, both physically and digitally. My end goal has always been to draw (mostly) distraction-free.

Lately, I've been organizing and maintaining:

• a personal music library.

• a personal reference library.

• my own artwork.

• personal photos.

• video game screenshots.

• backups for the items above.

Yak shaving. I've been wanting to draw actively since March 2024 and have yet to do so…

These time sinks start from minor projects or occurrences, such as: 

• Writing original character profiles turned into rewriting all of my outdated, poorly-written documents regarding speedrunning.

• Making prolonged searches for a particular reference photo to categorizing all saved images.

• Arranging unreleased artwork for upload to unifying file names for the purpose of avoiding future discrepancies regarding copies and file formats.

• Learning the bit depth of different software and formats save data and reviewing my artwork accordingly.

• Finding discrepancies regarding how screenshot references are sorted to categorizing screenshots across various software and devices.

• Finding discrepancies across my saved music and metadata to re-sorting my collection for more varied playback, while debating whether to review and fix all metadata, (I won't bother).

These derive from my past actions/inactions over the past five years. Should I have cut my losses and moved on instead?

I've always been a distracted person. It's way too easy to get stuck down rabbit holes. Although some of these habits help me creatively and help build my visual/reference library, they've often led to further indulgence and self-sabotage. These include:

• Browsing YouTube and watching: retro game documentaries, platform fighters, film reviews, animations from games/films, etc.

• Taking screencaps of YouTube videos.

• Browsing music.

• Doomscrolling Reddit.

• Reviewing, downloading, and clearing Bookmarks across all platforms.

Playing video games is a relative non-issue; they can help abstain from online activities. I don't have the time or money to commit to 99% of newer games anyway.

I've made efforts to help abstain from these such as:

• Downloading my music for offline listening.

• Chrome extensions such as: DF Tube, StayFocusd, uBlacklist.

• If I do watch videos, I always use the extensions: Video Speed Controller & Screenshot YouTube.

• Disabling Chrome's Incognito Mode (disabling a potential StayFocusd workaround; Microsoft Edge can still be of issue.).

• Unsubscribing from all YouTube channels.

• Unsubscribing from all subreddits.

• Distancing myself from entertainment devices.

• Attempting dopamine detox.

• (Going outside and exercising would also help.)

• Only browsing image boards and art sites.

It's stressful keeping up with anyone on social media besides my friends (even still), especially active artists I like. I've always been overly studious of other's bios, occupation, artwork, posts, interactions—to compare oneself on how others present themselves. The impermanence and activeness of the web also scares me.

Everything I mentioned makes me feel worthless 24/7. I always feel like I'm not trying hard enough (or I'm trying in all the wrong places). I always underestimate how much work (and therefore time) everything takes and often feel bad because of it. I feel I don't deserve to have friends or to enjoy myself. I've had it way worse in the past and I'm sure I'm overlooking some things for brevity sake, but that's the gist of it. I still really want to draw and I should be doing so soon, (for real this time). I will get out there and do great things!

I also made a YouTube playlist to see how far my binge-watching had gotten at one point. 1500 videos, 675 hours, average 30 minutes per video, nearly all in a year's time between mid-2022/early-2023. That's only scratching the surface. I may be a little stupid.

*I do also try and follow a biphasic sleep routine to try and stay productive, if that means anything.